As we've approached our cross-country move over the last several months, I've found myself reflecting a lot on my life before moving to Moscow, the years I've been here, and where I am now. To sum up the main events - I moved here in 2017, started dating my husband in 2018, married in 2019, first child 2020, second child 2021, and now moving back across the country in 2022. Of course there are many other momentous moments between all of these, but those were the biggest.
When I was 17 I broke up with my unbelieving boyfriend of 3 years. The breakup was a good thing, but nonetheless I started sliding down a slippery slope of smoking weed and seeking attention from trashy, buzz cut white boys in the months following my 18th birthday. I even got a tattoo, just because. Sigh. Luckily, I had my best friend Hannah looking out for me, as always. I finally confided in Hannah about my "hobbies" when I started having frequent panic attacks. Before long she convinced me to move to Moscow. Much of my family was very confused. "You're moving to Russia???" No, but all the same to them since it was still on the opposite side of the country. When you grow up in a town where almost every member of your extended family (and their extended family) stays within a four hour radiance of Pittsburgh, no one understands the appeal of leaving. I've always been very close to my family, but truth be told, I needed the distance at that point in my life. At the time, I basically had no reasoning in my mind as to why I should move. It was a "screw it, why not?" kind of decision. It only took 6 months for me to start seeing the internal change the Lord was working within my heart by removing me from toxic temptations and surrounding me with peers who were much stronger in their faith than I.
2018 was one of my favorite years in the books so far. I lived all the glory of college life without going (well, I did online). I was adopted into Leaf and Hannah's class at NSA and was so involved that underclassmen assumed I was a student. I have so many fond memories of late nights with my roommates, hosting parties, star gazing, midnight frosty runs, sleeping at the UI library, swing dancing, and trying to woo my future husband with my bread making abilities. I love reminiscing about this year. It fills my heart with joy and tear filled eyes. I am so thankful for the friends the Lord gave me and the many meaningful conversations I got to be a part of that softened my heart and lead me to crave theological understanding.
In 2019 I dropped out of my online program and instead audited the last year of Lordship at NSA. My roommates and I moved into the notorious 6th street apartments *gag* It still had it's perks though, like being neighbors with Levi. Rachel and I spent many nights sleeping on the patio and drinking hard Mikes. Levi and I started dating that October and the rest of the school year was a whirlwind of bliss and sorrow. It ended with a barn wedding in PA and getting pregnant a couple months later. A good year to say the least. We planned to move to WY after Leaf's senior year, but that plan changed when my due date made the timing too tricky.
We had our first son, Ezra, in June of 2020. This was a weird time for me because I was still clumped into the college group while also trying to enter the young mom group. This year was dedicated to learning how to become a mother and a better wife. My main surprise after becoming a mom was realizing just how fun boys are. I knew he would be wild, but I didn't expect him to imitate Leaf so quickly. It wasn't long before he was testing the limits and seeking adventure and challenge. It has brought me so much joy to watch him grow in his bravery and already wanting to serve his family by helping with absolutely everything possible. We once again planned to move away from Idaho and go to an undecided location on the east cost once our lease ended. However, Levi got a promising internship opportunity and we decided to stay another year.
I got pregnant with our second son, Iliyan, in March of 2021. This was definitely the hardest year since moving to Moscow as I quickly began experiencing pre-natal anxiety and depression. We struggled to get help over the course of the pregnancy, but it ultimately lead to severe post-partum depression and we finally had dear friends push us to seek help more aggressively. Going from one kid to two was not hard in the way I expected. I expected screaming children, jealous toddler, and feeling like there wasn't enough of me to go around. While there are definitely moments like that on occasion, juggling two under two hasn't been too tricky. The hard part however, is when you feel mentally low and still have to give yourself away to your family, even when it feels like there is absolutely nothing to give. Things are definitely better now, but not perfect. There are still bad days, but they are becoming few and far between.
I'm extremely thankful for the few friends who tried to walk beside us during this time. However, this dark season of life brought a lot of clarity and affirmation to us of just how strongly we wanted to move. There is a certain type of relationship that comes with family. Some are lucky to find that in friends here, but we have not. Don't get me wrong, we definitely have a few close relationships, but not to that extent. Everyone has their own lives and I cannot expect people to be as dedicated to helping me as my own mother would be. If you knew my mother, you'd know that's a very high bar to reach. I've found it frustrating when I'm put in a position where I have to defend us leaving Moscow. I've learned that apparently it's not just a Pittsburgh thing to think people are crazy for ever wanting to leave. I've had many reactions from people, ranging from thinking I'm trying to run away from my problems to being concerned for our wellbeing because the East Coast is woke and evil. Hello? West coat ain't much better. California? Washington? Oregon? Everyone is moving to Moscow and few leave. Contrary to some beliefs, this is not because Moscow is the only strong Christian community in the country.
I'll get off my soap box and wrap this up now. I'm going to miss the beautiful snow capped mountains up North, the giant open sky, the rolling hills of the Palouse, tulip season, the walkability, and the comfortable assurance of always seeing a familiar, smiling face wherever I go. It feels so sad to say goodbye to such a large group of friends. It's sad to take my children away from the only home they've ever known. The church where my kids were baptized and tasted the sweetness of the Lord's supper for the first time. Actually, the church where I took part in the Lord's supper for the first time too. The airport where we had our first kiss. The park where he proposed. The coffee shop I've spent probably over a thousand dollars at. Our first apartment. The homes where I somehow, by the strength of the Lord, delivered both of our sons. The absolute amazingness of living in the same town as my bestest friend who loves my children so much. There are so many moments and memories I could list here, but I'd start crying in the coffee shop that I just spent my 1,008th dollar at.
We are not running away from problems, we are not going to be corrupted by the devil. We are excited. We are excited for the promising work opportunities. We are excited about meeting a new church family. Getting to spend birthdays, holidays, and weekends with the people we love most. For my kids knowing their great grandmothers and grandparents beyond facetime. For the humidity, the rain, the thunderstorms!!! The ability to homestead and actually afford to buy a house. For taking the many lessons we've learned in Moscow, the growth we have experienced, and planting those roots somewhere new. The last 5 years have bookmarked so many blessing from the Lord. Now, in 2022, I find myself 6 days away from my second cross-country move. My only question is, what will 2023 bring?
