Moscow, Idaho - A Tribute

 As we've approached our cross-country move over the last several months, I've found myself reflecting a lot on my life before moving to Moscow, the years I've been here, and where I am now. To sum up the main events - I moved here in 2017, started dating my husband in 2018, married in 2019, first child 2020, second child 2021, and now moving back across the country in 2022. Of course there are many other momentous moments between all of these, but those were the biggest. 

When I was 17 I broke up with my unbelieving boyfriend of 3 years. The breakup was a good thing, but nonetheless I started sliding down a slippery slope of smoking weed and seeking attention from trashy, buzz cut white boys in the months following my 18th birthday. I even got a tattoo, just because. Sigh. Luckily, I had my best friend Hannah looking out for me, as always. I finally confided in Hannah about my "hobbies" when I started having frequent panic attacks. Before long she convinced me to move to Moscow. Much of my family was very confused. "You're moving to Russia???" No, but all the same to them since it was still on the opposite side of the country. When you grow up in a town where almost every member of your extended family (and their extended family) stays within a four hour radiance of Pittsburgh, no one understands the appeal of leaving. I've always been very close to my family, but truth be told, I needed the distance at that point in my life. At the time, I basically had no reasoning in my mind as to why I should move. It was a "screw it, why not?" kind of decision. It only took 6 months for me to start seeing the internal change the Lord was working within my heart by removing me from toxic temptations and surrounding me with peers who were much stronger in their faith than I. 

2018 was one of my favorite years in the books so far. I lived all the glory of college life without going (well, I did online). I was adopted into Leaf and Hannah's class at NSA and was so involved that underclassmen assumed I was a student. I have so many fond memories of late nights with my roommates, hosting parties, star gazing, midnight frosty runs, sleeping at the UI library, swing dancing, and trying to woo my future husband with my bread making abilities. I love reminiscing about this year. It fills my heart with joy and tear filled eyes. I am so thankful for the friends the Lord gave me and the many meaningful conversations I got to be a part of that softened my heart and lead me to crave theological understanding. 

In 2019 I dropped out of my online program and instead audited the last year of Lordship at NSA. My roommates and I moved into the notorious 6th street apartments *gag* It still had it's perks though, like being neighbors with Levi. Rachel and I spent many nights sleeping on the patio and drinking hard Mikes. Levi and I started dating that October and the rest of the school year was a whirlwind of bliss and sorrow. It ended with a barn wedding in PA and getting pregnant a couple months later. A good year to say the least. We planned to move to WY after Leaf's senior year, but that plan changed when my due date made the timing too tricky.

We had our first son, Ezra, in June of 2020. This was a weird time for me because I was still clumped into the college group while also trying to enter the young mom group. This year was dedicated to learning how to become a mother and a better wife. My main surprise after becoming a mom was realizing just how fun boys are. I knew he would be wild, but I didn't expect him to imitate Leaf so quickly. It wasn't long before he was testing the limits and seeking adventure and challenge. It has brought me so much joy to watch him grow in his bravery and already wanting to serve his family by helping with absolutely everything possible. We once again planned to move away from Idaho and go to an undecided location on the east cost once our lease ended. However, Levi got a promising internship opportunity and we decided to stay another year. 

I got pregnant with our second son, Iliyan, in March of 2021. This was definitely the hardest year since moving to Moscow as I quickly began experiencing pre-natal anxiety and depression. We struggled to get help over the course of the pregnancy, but it ultimately lead to severe post-partum depression and we finally had dear friends push us to seek help more aggressively. Going from one kid to two was not hard in the way I expected. I expected screaming children, jealous toddler, and feeling like there wasn't enough of me to go around. While there are definitely moments like that on occasion, juggling two under two hasn't been too tricky. The hard part however, is when you feel mentally low and still have to give yourself away to your family, even when it feels like there is absolutely nothing to give. Things are definitely better now, but not perfect. There are still bad days, but they are becoming few and far between. 

I'm extremely thankful for the few friends who tried to walk beside us during this time. However, this dark season of life brought a lot of clarity and affirmation to us of just how strongly we wanted to move. There is a certain type of relationship that comes with family. Some are lucky to find that in friends here, but we have not. Don't get me wrong, we definitely have a few close relationships, but not to that extent. Everyone has their own lives and I cannot expect people to be as dedicated to helping me as my own mother would be. If you knew my mother, you'd know that's a very high bar to reach. I've found it frustrating when I'm put in a position where I have to defend us leaving Moscow. I've learned that apparently it's not just a Pittsburgh thing to think people are crazy for ever wanting to leave. I've had many reactions from people, ranging from thinking I'm trying to run away from my problems to being concerned for our wellbeing because the East Coast is woke and evil. Hello? West coat ain't much better. California? Washington? Oregon? Everyone is moving to Moscow and few leave. Contrary to some beliefs, this is not because Moscow is the only strong Christian community in the country. 

I'll get off my soap box and wrap this up now. I'm going to miss the beautiful snow capped mountains up North, the giant open sky, the rolling hills of the Palouse, tulip season, the walkability, and the comfortable assurance of always seeing a familiar, smiling face wherever I go. It feels so sad to say goodbye to such a large group of friends. It's sad to take my children away from the only home they've ever known. The church where my kids were baptized and tasted the sweetness of the Lord's supper for the first time. Actually, the church where I took part in the Lord's supper for the first time too. The airport where we had our first kiss. The park where he proposed. The coffee shop I've spent probably over a thousand dollars at. Our first apartment. The homes where I somehow, by the strength of the Lord, delivered both of our sons. The absolute amazingness of living in the same town as my bestest friend who loves my children so much. There are so many moments and memories I could list here, but I'd start crying in the coffee shop that I just spent my 1,008th dollar at. 

We are not running away from problems, we are not going to be corrupted by the devil. We are excited. We are excited for the promising work opportunities. We are excited about meeting a new church family. Getting to spend birthdays, holidays, and weekends with the people we love most. For my kids knowing their great grandmothers and grandparents beyond facetime. For the humidity, the rain, the thunderstorms!!! The ability to homestead and actually afford to buy a house. For taking the many lessons we've learned in Moscow, the growth we have experienced, and planting those roots somewhere new. The last 5 years have bookmarked so many blessing from the Lord. Now, in 2022, I find myself 6 days away from my second cross-country move. My only question is, what will 2023 bring?

Summer Highlights

I haven’t written in forever and it really bums me out. However, I don’t feel compelled to write any extensive stories at the moment and would rather just share some highlights of the summer. To set the mood, I’m listening to a playlist called “Dream Baby – Soft Lullabies for Baby - Calm Baby Sleep, Lullabies for Newborn, Chilled Sounds” because why the heck not. I followed this playlist for nap time (not my nap time, sadly), and it’s speaking to me right now.

Granite

A few weeks ago (maybe June 22^nd?) I finally went to Granite Point! This is a spot by the river that basically everyone in Moscow has been to besides me. You can swim there, but it’s highly known for its cliff jumping. I only agreed to go after being reassured that you can swim there WITHOUT jumping off a cliff. Anyway, it was finally a relatively hot summer day, so Rachel, Emily, Sarah, Anna and I hopped into our cars and began the 45-minute drive. I don’t even remember which direction we went; all I know is it was BEAUTIFUL. Don’t get me wrong, I still appreciate how beautiful the Palouse is that surrounds Moscow and the beautiful peaks of Moscow Mountain that I get to see every day as I drive to work. But its jaw-dropping-shock-factor has since worn down for me after living here two years. HOWEVER, the drive was amazing. We went down a winding, steady grade with hills rising sharply on either side. The grass was bright and lush and there were these rocks and just…oh man. I really shouldn’t try to describe it. Let’s just say that my steering was not the best because my attention was being dragged elsewhere. 

I was relieved (and very impressed) that my car made it all the way there. It was the longest drive I’ve ever put ole Cob through. We found a nice flat spot to set up our cute little picnic and bask in the sunshine. After much eating and laughing, we set out to test the water. Rachel showed me the two jumping spots, the high and low. After seeing the low, I unexpectedly decided that I really wanted to jump off it. I have no idea what got into me and made me feel so frisky, but my mind was set. The other girls began climbing down the rocks to the water while Rachel and I tried to muster the courage to actually jump. She had already jumped both cliffs before, but for some reason was really psyching herself out over it. I wanted her to jump first because I was so scared. But after waiting for so long, I became impatient and said I would go first. My nerves got the best of me and we ended up switching back and forth, back and forth, trying to decide who would be the brave one. After much waiting, I finally said screw it and ran off the cliff. It was terrifying. Once you start running, you have this moment of panic where you realize there is no going back, and once your feet leave the rock, it’s instant regret. Or at least that’s how it was for me. I’m typically not the type to feel thrilled and buzzed off fear. Anyway, I was happy I did it once I landed in the water. It was absolutely freezing, and I felt a few moments of shock where I couldn’t even speak. I started shouting for Rachel and she eventually jumped in with me. The shock hit her harder than expected, she could barely speak, and she quickly climbed out to warm up in the sun. 

The rest was pretty relaxing. My body eventually adjusted to the bitter temperature (or...became numb to it).  Before long, the other three girls were in the water with me and we swam around, goofing off and causing a ruckus. Emily found us an entire tree trunk to hold onto and play games on. We honed our synchronized swimming skills and competed to see who could stay on the log the longest. It was overall a grand time. Eventually we were too numb to stay any longer, so we climbed out and returned to our picnic spot. By this time, the rockface was crowded with rowdy college students, playing their loud music and smoking pot. I had to get home anyways so I could talk to Levi, so Rachel and I headed home once we were dry and warm. It was a perfect day and the drive back was just as beautiful.

June 25^th

 

It was a fairly busy but normal day. I was house/dog sitting and Hannah and Rachel had slept over the night before. We slept in and went to Bucer’s in the late morning. Rachel and I were going to finally spend time together (this is actually the second time we intentionally hung out, the first being Granite. Maybe this is just a “Hanging Out with Rachel this Summer” blogpost XD) so we decided to go do some thrifting. We went to the Hope Center and both found cute shirts, and I found an ugly (but cute in my mind) rug for the new apartment. Then we went to Old Navy (I know, not a thrift store) to pick up some essential items (shoes and sports bras). Lastly, we went to Goodwill and then it was time for Rachel to get back to the grind. I proceeded with my usual routine, gym, shower, lunch, Bible, and cleaning. This takes longer than it seems, but finally I was done cleaning up the pizza explosion we made the night before. Around 5:30 I sat down to breathe. I put on a show (it’s a treat staying at a house with cable…aka trashy reality shows) and began working on one of my sewing projects. 

When I was about halfway done, around 7:00, Levi texted me. He was finally home from work and able to talk for the evening. He asked about my day and I told him how tired I was and about everything I had gotten done. 

He then responded “Nice! Well, I have something that will cheer you up.”

Me: “What?”

Him: “Step outside”     (At this point I’m thinking he sent flowers)

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Him: “Just do it!”

Me: “I’m at Riley’s house.”  “There is nothing there. Do I need to go to the apartment?”

Him: “Oh shoot! I got a packaged delivered and had Froh set it up for you outside your door, guess you’ll have to see it when you get there.”

Me: “Should I got there now?”

Him: “Don’t worry, it’ll keep.”    (Now I’m thinking…not flowers. What the heck could he have possibly sent?)

Me: “Well it’s gonna drive me crazy not knowing what it is”

Him: “Ahhahahae”

Me: “Uggghhy okay I’m gonna drive there now. That also reminds me, I got a letter from you today but I haven’t read it yet. Also, did you mail your tuition check?”

I hopped in my car and started booking it over there. Before I even made a second turn out of the neighborhood, I saw a truck turn the corner and park on the opposite side of the street. The sun was shining on it so I couldn’t see the color, but I sighed and thought to myself “that’s Leaf’s truck” in a wistful “that’s the same model as his truck” kind of way. Then suddenly, a guy hopped out of the truck and ran in the middle of the road holding flowers. My jaw literally dropped, and I let out a gasp. I pulled over so quickly and started getting out, I almost forgot to put my car in park. I jumped out and hugged him so so hard. I was in shock. I kept asking how this was possible and if it was actually real. It didn’t feel real. We hugged and kissed in the middle of the road for awhile before we reluctantly parted and drove our vehicles back to the house. We got to spend the entire evening together and he slept over so we could spend time together in the morning. It went by all too fast but meant so so much to both of us. I never imagined I would have someone who loved me enough to drive 14 hours to see me for one night and then drive 14 hours back to work 12 hours the next day. He is truly amazing. He is so hardworking and admirable. I love him to pieces and I’m so incredibly thankful for him. Only 24 days until we see each other again, and 31 until we are married! ^_^

The Sunday Snow

So, we got some snow in Moscow. A lot of snow. It’s been snowing since Friday morning, but the climax was Sunday when we got about 5 inches over the course of the day, and then another 6 overnight (and it's supposed to continue snowing for at least the next 10 days). It took me about 20 minutes to clean my car off this morning and as you drive around town, most cars have about a foot of snow sitting on top of them. Classy.

Anyways, we hosted a birthday brunch for Rachel after church on Sunday. People trickled off and the rest of us snuggled on the couch while we watched the snow steadily pour down through the windows. As cozy as this was, I wanted to go play in it. Nothing is better than spending a few hours in the snow, freezing your butt off, and then coming home, putting warm PJ’s on, and snuggling up to watch a movie. So, Leaf and I decided to take Jex to the dog park and then go sledding. The park was surprisingly crowded, but it was still a good time. We walked around the frozen stream, he broke some ice and almost fell in a couple times, we made snow angels, and just enjoyed watching Jex bounce around. 

We decided to sled down a relatively small hill that we passed to and from the park. He’d never been there, but rumor had it (from some trustworthy, rambunctious boys) that this was a great sledding hill. So, we decided to give it a shot. We picked a path to take, then decided to move over a few feet to the left to avoid veering into the tree line. I always feel nervous before sledding because I don’t do it very often. I’ve only gone once in Moscow (sometime last year) and it was an intimidatingly steep hill that threw me off my sled and sent me rolling about ¼ of the way down. 

With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I gripped onto Leaf’s shoulders and off we went. I felt relieved after a couple seconds because it wasn’t very steep, and we weren’t going too fast. I even said “Wow, this isn’t that bad.” I looked over his shoulder as I finished my sentence, only to see something approaching. Over the course of two seconds (maybe less) my mind whirled at what it could be, a rock? No. A pile of snow? Clearly. But not just a pile of snow. A ramp. Someone built a ramp. Out of the entire hill, we picked the path that lead directly to a ramp. Luckily, I thought, it doesn’t seem too big. Then we hit it. With our combined weight and momentum, we hit it hard. We went flying. And flying. And flying. I suddenly realized we hadn’t touched down yet and started frantically wondering when the heck we would touch down. 

Then we touched down, and boy, did we touch down. If I thought hitting the ramp was hard, we hit the ground ten times harder. Right on my tailbone. A wave of pain went through my body so strong I had the wind knocked out of me (it was a good thing too, because I let out a burst of profanity and there were kids around). We came to a stop and I slunk onto my back, moaning in pain. I rolled off the sled and laid there for a couple minutes, trying to use the snow to calm it. Jex hovered over me in worry (it was the cutest thing). I finally let Leaf help me up. But with every move I made, I was hit with a fresh wave of pain. 

Idiotically, I went down the hill one more time (not on the ramp path). The firmly packed snow gliding under me only made it worse. After Leaf went down one more time, we slowly made our way back to the car. And that’s how the rest of the day went, slow. “Every step I take, every move I make, every single day,” I’m looking like either an old lady or a pregnant woman. Or a toddler who just started potty training.  

Regardless, I accomplished what I wanted to. I came home frozen and snuggled up to watch Firefly. I spent the rest of Sunday on the couch, periodically icing my butt. Sleeping was hard, going to the bathroom is harder, and getting up and down off the floor to play with a toddler is hardest. But it made for a good story and there was lots of laughter throughout the experience ^_^

Flashback

I recently found one of my old journals when I was in Pittsburgh for Christmas. I brought it back with me because Handerson and I enjoy looking through each others diaries and making fun of one another ;) I hadn't read through it until tonight. 

This particular journal spans from May 5th, 2014 (age 15) to July 26th, 2017 (age 18), which include many unhappy and low points of my adolescence. During these years of my life, I was full of self-hatred and pity, constantly having mental breakdowns, panic attacks, and harming myself. One entry that dates almost 2 years ago to the day, describes one of my breakdowns and even includes a blood smear on the paper, concluding with "I don't feel strong enough to help myself right now."

As I read the entries leading to my move, I'm flooded with the memories of how incredibly overwhelmed and apprehensive I was about moving. Yet, I never explain my decision to move. Everything written goes against doing such a thing. I still don't understand how I had the courage to make such a big change. For as long as I can remember, I lived in fear. My social anxiety held me back from so many experiences that I still regret from time to time. I had barely any friends and constantly longed to feel accepted, valued, and needed. As I said before, I was full of self-pity and also felt incapable of helping myself or changing my life. 

Yet by the Grace of God, I made the decision to move with virtually no logic or conviction in my mind besides "why not?" In the last entry of this journal, I wrote that it was one month until I moved and how unprepared and unexcited I felt. I closed out with "I'm hoping all of my worries about Idaho are proven wrong. It sounds cheesey, but I hope it helps me find myself." 

That it did, 2017 me. Despite having no logical explanations for moving, God was working in my heart and pushing me to make the change that needed to happen for me to truly devote my life to Him. I was a Christian before I moved here. However, I always struggle to explain the change that occurred in me after living here for a few months. I still can't explain it besides the Holy Spirit. It can feel embarrassing at times, but I often feel like I'm playing catch-up in my walk of faith compared to many people here. But I try not to let that bother me, because the journey is amazing and I'm just thankful it's happening.