Flashback

I recently found one of my old journals when I was in Pittsburgh for Christmas. I brought it back with me because Handerson and I enjoy looking through each others diaries and making fun of one another ;) I hadn't read through it until tonight. 

This particular journal spans from May 5th, 2014 (age 15) to July 26th, 2017 (age 18), which include many unhappy and low points of my adolescence. During these years of my life, I was full of self-hatred and pity, constantly having mental breakdowns, panic attacks, and harming myself. One entry that dates almost 2 years ago to the day, describes one of my breakdowns and even includes a blood smear on the paper, concluding with "I don't feel strong enough to help myself right now."

As I read the entries leading to my move, I'm flooded with the memories of how incredibly overwhelmed and apprehensive I was about moving. Yet, I never explain my decision to move. Everything written goes against doing such a thing. I still don't understand how I had the courage to make such a big change. For as long as I can remember, I lived in fear. My social anxiety held me back from so many experiences that I still regret from time to time. I had barely any friends and constantly longed to feel accepted, valued, and needed. As I said before, I was full of self-pity and also felt incapable of helping myself or changing my life. 

Yet by the Grace of God, I made the decision to move with virtually no logic or conviction in my mind besides "why not?" In the last entry of this journal, I wrote that it was one month until I moved and how unprepared and unexcited I felt. I closed out with "I'm hoping all of my worries about Idaho are proven wrong. It sounds cheesey, but I hope it helps me find myself." 

That it did, 2017 me. Despite having no logical explanations for moving, God was working in my heart and pushing me to make the change that needed to happen for me to truly devote my life to Him. I was a Christian before I moved here. However, I always struggle to explain the change that occurred in me after living here for a few months. I still can't explain it besides the Holy Spirit. It can feel embarrassing at times, but I often feel like I'm playing catch-up in my walk of faith compared to many people here. But I try not to let that bother me, because the journey is amazing and I'm just thankful it's happening.