The Walk

The walk to or from my apartment is always pleasant, long enough to collect yourself and get thinking, but short enough to not be completely exhausted by the time you reach your destination. It’s an uneventful walk too, with few people, bikes, or other obstacles. The most that happens is the occasional awkward encounter with another pedestrian, in which you have to speed walk around them without looking like a completely impatient jerk. 

Anyhow, my walks have taken a sudden and most interesting turn, starting with last night. It was another late night at Bucer’s and I was reaching the point of delirium. Although it was only 10:30, I couldn’t get my eyes to focus and so I decided to head out. Walking through town alone at night doesn’t make me nervous, so off I went. Making my way down main, I was delighted to see that Grub Truck was out. I hadn’t had their mac n’ cheese in months, so I decided to pick myself up some for the next day. After some creepy remarks from one employee, I was soon on the move again. Ah, if the rich and creamy taste of the mac n’ cheese wasn’t enough, the radiating warmth the box provides to your cold hands makes it worth buying. 

About halfway down the street, I noticed a man on the opposite sidewalk heading in the same direction as me. He was clearly drunk, stumbling every which way and pausing every few steps. With his slow pace, it wasn’t long before I was ahead of him and lost interest in his public display. I continued. A few minutes later, a loud stomping interrupted the mellow soundwaves coming from my headphones. I looked around and saw the drunk man running up the sidewalk, taking quite a bit of effort to not fall on his face. He ran until he was at pace with me again, switching back to a stumbling walk and running periodically when I got ahead of him. He kept up with me for a few blocks, staring at me across the street the entire time. We were reaching the end of the road, where I’d have to make a choice. I had to either cross the street to his side or cross a different street to the unlit side that screamed sketchy. This is when I started to worry and decided to call Charli, figuring I’d stop at the corner and wait it out. Charli was obviously very concerned and wanted to come pick me up. I told her that was unnecessary and to just stay to the line with me. He seemed adamant about keeping up with me, until a few feet from the corner he started sprinting. He started making a bend, as if to come to my side of the road, then turned suddenly and ran into the unlit back path. He disappeared into the night and that was the last I saw of him. Sigh. 

The next morning, I was making my way to work, when my path was blocked by a stray dog. Not sure what breed he was, but he was medium size and kind of looked like the Target dog. Anyhow, I wasn’t sure what to do about him. He was too skittish to let me touch him and I didn’t have time to call anyone. I was contemplating being late for work, but he seemed to be hovering near two houses. With regret in my heart, I left him by the houses, hoping one was his home and he would soon be reunited with his owners. Honestly, not staying with him has been eating me up all day and I’m really worried about him. 

I had 5 minutes until I had to go into work, so I was finishing up breakfast while talking to my mom. I always sit against this one tree that’s near work, even when it’s snowing (that was fun this Winter). There I am, talking and eating a peanut-butter-oatmeal-concoction-thingy when a squirrel high in the tree challenged me to a staring contest. Not sure how long it went, but he eventually scurried away, and I didn’t bat an eye (because I won the contest). In the middle of telling my mom about the drunk guy, I was startled by a scratching noise in my right ear. I jerked and turned toward the noise, only to look straight into the eyes of menace. The squirrel was about a foot away from my face, moving down the trunk towards me. I jumped up and backed away. He continued down until he was next to my backpack, staring at me and heading in my direction. Then he paused, sniffing the ground. He found a few crumbs from my breakfast and quickly ate them. Once he was finished licking his creepy little fingers, he headed for my backpack. He started sniffing around it, then climbed on top of it! I stood in shock, watching as he moved all over it, on the hunt for something unknown. I was beginning to worry I’d have to abandon my backpack and go to work, when a loud truck zoomed by, scaring the little bugger off. He run to a nearby tree and stared me down as I quickly grabbed my stuff and hightailed out of there. 

That’s it for my eventful walks over the last day and a half. Well, I guess if you count almost getting hit by a semi-truck, there’s that too. I was walking home from work today when a semi was making a bend and the empty bed of the truck hung over the side walk. If I hadn’t responded quickly and jumped out of the way, it would have jammed right into my hip. What the actual heck. I shook my head and continued heading home, wondering what was going to happen next.

Forgiveness

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. A few weeks ago, someone brought up the topic of your “greatest sin” to me. This is something that I had never truly considered. I don’t mean I haven’t considered what my worst sins are, because I have. I’ve acknowledged them, or at least the sins I’m able to recognize. As much as I may want to (or don’t want to), I can’t truly see or understand every single one of my sins because I am broken. That is something only God can do. 

Anyway, I don’t often dwell on the things I have done in the past and repented for. I bare them in mind to guide my future actions, but I think part of me repressed the guilt over them. I repented and eventually moved on. But lately, I’ve been eating myself up over it. The conversation got me thinking about having to tell a future spouse about my greatest sins. I think I’ve freaked myself out over the thought of this. I had never even thought about having to have that type of conversation with anyone. I believe I’ve only ever told one person before. I guess it’s a fear of judgement. Would someone discontinue dating you based on what your “greatest sin” is? Is it their place to judge when you have repented? Would they take that information as a way of seeing God’s grace and further understand you as a person? Or would they judge you and see you as a disgrace? I suppose if someone was to hate me over it, they wouldn’t be the person God has for me. Although I’m speaking hypothetically, I believe I would use that personal information as a way of understanding why that person is the way they are. I see it as an example of the incredible obstacles one can overcome with the Lord on their side. 

I’ve also been contemplating what exactly it means when someone still feels guilty over their sins after they repent. Does that mean I do not truly believe or trust in God’s ability to forgive? I thought I did. But this “greatest sin” thing had me so distraught inside that I found myself questioning just exactly how much I understand God’s forgiveness. What does it say about your faith when you dwell on your past sins, even though you know Christ died on the cross to save you from every single sin. No matter how horrible, no matter how many times you repent or if you feel guilty, the only thing that can ever truly redeem you from sin is Christ. 

After talking with a couple people about this, I’ve come to a few loose conclusions (I’m still not completely confident). First, I think it’s common for people to not fully understand or appreciate the Lord’s grace because we are broken. We are broken, and we cannot understand or explain anything perfectly because only He is perfect. Despite how close to accurate Christians may get to explaining something, it will never be complete. Second, I believe the biggest reason I’ve suddenly psyched myself out over my past sins is because of my own insecurities and fear of judgement from other people. I guess this is kind of an obvious conclusion. I am utterly imperfect and shattered. 

One of my biggest problems is worrying about what others think of me, when I must remind myself that the only one who truly matters is Him. The only one who holds the ability to judge me and grant me forgiveness is my Savior. And oh, what a merciful and gracious Savior He Is. I mean, it’s Easter, ya’ll! He died and arose from the grave to redeem all of creation from sin. What an incredibly beautiful and merciful blessing He has bestowed upon us. 

Anyway, that’s the gist of my thoughts lately. I was hesitant to post this because I (again) worry that people will read what I have to say and think I’m a complete idiot. I often withhold my opinion in group discussions similar to this because I fear talking about things I do not know enough about. But in reality, how much do we have to know to know enough? I don’t think we can ever stop learning about God. I also think that maybe my understandings and questions could possibly help or at least be relatable to someone else. So, I’m posting this, even though I still feel slightly unsure about the topic. Please feel free to talk with me about this if you have any thoughts/advice/corrections ect.