Forgiveness

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. A few weeks ago, someone brought up the topic of your “greatest sin” to me. This is something that I had never truly considered. I don’t mean I haven’t considered what my worst sins are, because I have. I’ve acknowledged them, or at least the sins I’m able to recognize. As much as I may want to (or don’t want to), I can’t truly see or understand every single one of my sins because I am broken. That is something only God can do. 

Anyway, I don’t often dwell on the things I have done in the past and repented for. I bare them in mind to guide my future actions, but I think part of me repressed the guilt over them. I repented and eventually moved on. But lately, I’ve been eating myself up over it. The conversation got me thinking about having to tell a future spouse about my greatest sins. I think I’ve freaked myself out over the thought of this. I had never even thought about having to have that type of conversation with anyone. I believe I’ve only ever told one person before. I guess it’s a fear of judgement. Would someone discontinue dating you based on what your “greatest sin” is? Is it their place to judge when you have repented? Would they take that information as a way of seeing God’s grace and further understand you as a person? Or would they judge you and see you as a disgrace? I suppose if someone was to hate me over it, they wouldn’t be the person God has for me. Although I’m speaking hypothetically, I believe I would use that personal information as a way of understanding why that person is the way they are. I see it as an example of the incredible obstacles one can overcome with the Lord on their side. 

I’ve also been contemplating what exactly it means when someone still feels guilty over their sins after they repent. Does that mean I do not truly believe or trust in God’s ability to forgive? I thought I did. But this “greatest sin” thing had me so distraught inside that I found myself questioning just exactly how much I understand God’s forgiveness. What does it say about your faith when you dwell on your past sins, even though you know Christ died on the cross to save you from every single sin. No matter how horrible, no matter how many times you repent or if you feel guilty, the only thing that can ever truly redeem you from sin is Christ. 

After talking with a couple people about this, I’ve come to a few loose conclusions (I’m still not completely confident). First, I think it’s common for people to not fully understand or appreciate the Lord’s grace because we are broken. We are broken, and we cannot understand or explain anything perfectly because only He is perfect. Despite how close to accurate Christians may get to explaining something, it will never be complete. Second, I believe the biggest reason I’ve suddenly psyched myself out over my past sins is because of my own insecurities and fear of judgement from other people. I guess this is kind of an obvious conclusion. I am utterly imperfect and shattered. 

One of my biggest problems is worrying about what others think of me, when I must remind myself that the only one who truly matters is Him. The only one who holds the ability to judge me and grant me forgiveness is my Savior. And oh, what a merciful and gracious Savior He Is. I mean, it’s Easter, ya’ll! He died and arose from the grave to redeem all of creation from sin. What an incredibly beautiful and merciful blessing He has bestowed upon us. 

Anyway, that’s the gist of my thoughts lately. I was hesitant to post this because I (again) worry that people will read what I have to say and think I’m a complete idiot. I often withhold my opinion in group discussions similar to this because I fear talking about things I do not know enough about. But in reality, how much do we have to know to know enough? I don’t think we can ever stop learning about God. I also think that maybe my understandings and questions could possibly help or at least be relatable to someone else. So, I’m posting this, even though I still feel slightly unsure about the topic. Please feel free to talk with me about this if you have any thoughts/advice/corrections ect.