Fear and Trust

I tend to get overwhelmed by the thought of the near and distant future, putting too much reliance on this world and the people in it. Sometimes I worry about my relationships, job, school, and overall place in life. Sometimes I fear that I am behind and will never catch up. Sometimes I worry that I will not reach my goals in life, to have a family and lead a spiritually fulfilling life. Sometimes I forget how young I am. Sometimes - all the time - I forget that God has placed me in this exact point and time for a reason. I forget that I am where I’m supposed to be. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much trust I have in God.

Since going home and coming back from Christmas break, I feel like I’ve been tested in this area. My Christmas break was not how I hoped or imagined it would be. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad or anything. I loved my time there, it was just a bit overwhelming. I don’t think there is anything worse than feeling like you are surrounded by people you love but cannot help. That’s how I felt. It was like everyone around me, everyone I cared for, had something horrible going on in their life the moment I came home. Seeing my family struggle and being able to do nothing about it tore me apart. All I could offer was love and prayer. I think seeing their hopelessness, the lack of faith in God’s abilities, made me realize my tendencies for that same lack of trust.

I was tested all the more when I came back to Moscow and discovered a horrible mold infestation in my apartment. My first week back I struggled with keeping up with my school work, cleaning out my bedroom, and having panic attacks every day. I had to throw away my book shelf, box spring, tapestry, bed cover, and mattress. I found myself feeling overwhelmingly stressed and anxious about how I was going to get a handle on things. I also found myself having panic attacks about where I was going to live next year, as I had decided I did not want to stay in an apartment so prone to black mold. It got to the point where I was waking up two hours early every day because I felt sink to my stomach with unease. I’d only ever had a panic attack once before moving here, and let me tell you, it’s not fun. It’s not fun, especially when you have at least two a day, for about 10 days in a row. 

After typing this, it kind of sounds a bit unsettled. But I’ve got out of it. By simply reminding myself to give control over to Him, I am reassured in my situation. If there are problems in my life, they are obstacles the Lord has placed before me for a reason. I have to learn to handle them, handle my emotions, and carry on with my responsibilities. I have to take these times as a challenge to maintain my faith and control myself. I am trying to be actively aware of when I am overthinking things and give myself a mental slap in the face.

I feel like this is kind of a depressing post compared to the rest of my blog, but it’s not meant to be. I am not typing this out of stress or sadness. I am relieved to have gone through these challenges and to have come out feeling stronger and more confident in my faith. I’m not really sure what the point of this post was, I just felt like typing my thoughts out.